Learning to Listen Across Difference

How often do you have conversations with people who hold dramatically different opinions from yours?  

Do you frequently listen to voices that you disagree with about politics, theology, or worldview?  

Anecdotally, I find that my friends, family, and congregation aren’t that interested in having these difficult conversations. Social media has really impacted these types of conversations on multiple levels. First, everyone is so angry on socials, and people are tired of the arguments, bombardment of bad news, and being trolled. That is bad enough on their phone, and they have little capacity for it in real life. Second, social media has had the unintentional consequence of siloing us, increasingly filling our feeds with people who agree with us and reinforce our views, rather than bringing us into contact with differing views.  

All of this has made us bad at listening to one another, especially about important issues. A big topic arises, and we find ourselves in fight-or-flight mode, gearing up for a debate or shutting down to avoid one. That is a reasonable response to conflict, but it won’t help us cultivate reconciliation or healing across these divides. Fight or flight doesn’t help us love our neighbor.  

So, what is a better alternative? In her book, You’re Not Listening, Kate Murphy offers some very helpful insights for becoming better listeners. She points us towards the skills we need to develop to become sacred listeners.  

In her chapter on Listening to Opposing Views she says, “Toning down the inner alarm, or the ‘No, you’re stupid!’ impulse that leads to ideological entrenchment is possible, as Gillien Todd tells her students, when you remind yourself to take a calm, open, and curious stance rather than an angry, aggravated, or alarmed stance. It’s far more useful to listen to find out how other people arrived at their conclusion and what you can learn from them – whether it changes or shores up your own thinking. At the moment you feel you are going to react with hostility toward those who disagree with you, take a breath and ask them a question, not to expose flawed logic but to truly expand your understanding of where they are coming from.”   

What Kate Murphy describes here is a practice that can shape us to become sacred listeners. This is a practice that when intentionally put into action by a faith community, can help us love our neighbors and cultivate a better understanding of those who might otherwise be our enemies.